How To Make Friends As You Get Older
It often feels hard to make new friends when you hit 40, 50, or beyond. The COVID-19 pandemic has caused that loneliness to hit even harder for many older adults. The good news is that it’s never too late to make new friends. Plus, there are health benefits to sustaining positive friendships in older adulthood. Learn why making friends after 50 may be an important part of healthy aging.
Social Isolation in Older Adulthood: How Common Is It?
It’s common to experience ebbs and flows in your friend circles throughout your life. In your school years or college, making friends often comes naturally due to the close proximity of peers with shared interests. Many people notice that friendships become harder as they hit their 30s and 40s. Work, family life, and other interests may consume free time that could be devoted to friendships. That’s even more true for people who move, get divorced, work long hours, or experience other life disruptions.
Official reports show that loneliness is widespread among older Americans. According to a report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM), more than 1 in 3 adults over age 45 say that they feel lonely. And nearly a quarter of adults older than 65 are considered socially isolated. Those numbers were collected before the COVID-19 pandemic and social restrictions that came with it. Many experts worry that we are facing a crisis of isolation among older adults in particular.
There is an important distinction between loneliness and social isolation. Social isolation refers to the objective size of your social network: if you have relatively few friends or close family members, you may be considered socially isolated. In contrast, loneliness refers to a subjective feeling of sadness about your lack of social contact. Someone can be socially isolated but not lonely, or vice versa.
The Risks of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adulthood
Social isolation does not happen to everyone equally. In fact, there are several risk factors for social isolation and loneliness:
Long-term illness
Unemployment or underemployment
Death of a spouse
Divorce
Transportation issues
Being LGBTQ or a member of another stigmatized group
Immigrant status
Physical or mental disability
Mental health problems
Exposure to domestic or community violence
Social anxiety
Some of these risk factors are possible to change, while others are not. Being aware of your risk factors can help you make changes in your life to expand your social network.
Although friendships sometimes take a back seat to other life relationships, research shows that it is important to maintain friendships throughout your life. Having poor social relationships actually increases levels of the stress hormone cortisol. This can have significant effects on your overall health. Other major health risks of loneliness include:
Higher risk of dementia. Being socially isolated can take a toll on your cognitive abilities, particularly for those who are already vulnerable to Alzheimer’s disease or related dementias.
Higher risk of heart disease and stroke.
Increased rates of depression, anxiety, suicide, and other mental health problems.
Higher risk of death. Research studies have shown that people who are socially isolated are 50% more likely to die than those who are more socially connected.
How to Make Friends As You Get Older
Clearly, maintaining a supportive network of friends can protect your mental and physical health as you age. The good news is that it’s never too late to make new friends or rebuild old friendships. Building friendships may feel daunting, but the following steps can help to guide you on this journey.
1. Define what a “friend” means to you.
Friendship means different things to each of us. Plus, your definition of a friend may change with time. Before jumping into friendship-seeking activities, think about what friendship means to you. What are you looking for in a friend? What qualities does a good friend have? And equally important, what are you willing to give to your friends?
2. Think about a time in your life when you were more satisfied with your friendships.
Next, reflect about your life and the friendships you’ve made. Are there times when you were more satisfied with the number and quality of your friendships? What was your most meaningful friendship? What friendships did not serve you well?
Use these questions as a starting point to begin writing down qualities that you are seeking in a new friend. Often, this includes shared interests, the ability to be emotionally vulnerable, enjoying one another’s company, honesty, and dependability. When you consider where past friendships went south or died away, reflect honestly about the role you and your friend played in that. Think about how you want to build friendships that are more positive or benefit both parties equally.
3. Make a list of activities and interests that you value.
Bonding over shared activities is one of the best ways to make a new friend. Think about things that make you feel excited and passionate. This might include food, art, sports, fashion, knitting, or physical fitness. Use these interests to find groups or activities that facilitate friendship. For example, your local art museum may have members-only mixers that allow you to meet other art aficionados. Or perhaps there is a local book club that focuses on historical fiction, your favorite genre. Look for opportunities that take you outside your usual comfort zone.
4. Rekindle old friendships.
Sometimes old friendships die because of hurt feelings or drama. At other times, they simply fade away due to life getting in the way. If you have past friendships you valued, reach out!
Consider using a simple message like, “Hi Jill, it’s been so long since we last spoke! I was reflecting on our years working together and really value the great conversations we used to have about music. Let me know if you’re still in town and would like to reconnect. I’d love to grab coffee sometime soon.”
It may feel vulnerable to reach out to someone you haven’t heard from in a while. However, most people are delighted to hear from old friends and will respond positively. Cast a wide net, knowing that not everyone will be in a position to devote time to old friendships.
5. Get used to making the first move.
Often, we get stuck in our heads when thinking about making new friends. Perhaps you met someone interesting at your yoga class, but you’re not sure whether he or she is interested in becoming friends. Just ask! Strike up a conversation and say you’d love to meet up outside of class sometime.
If the person seems interested, set a date now. Too often, we make non-specific requests like “we should get together sometime.” These plans never seem to come to fruition. Instead, say “how’s next week after class?” or “could you meet up this weekend or next?” Being specific helps you commit to a plan and follow through on your desire to make new friends.
6. Ask for help.
We often feel intimidated by asking for help when it comes to making new friends. You might be worried that people will think you are weird or pathetic if you ask for help. But this can be one of the most powerful ways to develop new connections.
Most of us know a social butterfly in our circle. Even if you’re not particularly close to that person, ask him or her to help you out. “I’ve been finding it hard to make new friends since I retired [or since my kids moved out of the house, or whatever applies to you]. Do you know of anyone you think I’d hit it off with?” Highly social people often love helping others make new connections. Remember this trick when you’re at a party where you don’t know many other people. Tagging along with a more extraverted person can help you meet more people.
The Power of the Internet in Making New Friends
When seeking new friendships, many older adults focus on trying to meet people in their regular lives. However, there is considerable power in using technology to develop new friendships. Social media and the Internet have transformed our ability to connect with others who are near and far away. In fact, researchers find that online friends have strong benefits for feelings of well-being. That is because online friendships often involve shared interests, mutual respect, give and take, and the ability to share things that may feel vulnerable to share with someone in person.
At Mighty Health, part of our goal is to connect older adults who are making changes to their health and wellness habits. We have a vibrant member community that seeks and receives support through our online platform. Our members connect over their shared passion for healthy aging and a commitment to better health. Many of our members say they have developed strong friendships with other people just beginning their fitness journeys. These friendships grow as you learn to eat better, exercise regularly, and practice positive mental health practices.
If you’re looking for new friends, join our Mighty Health community! We can connect you with other people looking for friends after 50 who share a love of health, wellness, and a positive approach to aging.